mental illness

Putting the Pieces Together.

Excuse me for my absence, as it was needed due to mental health. During this time, I’ve been struggling with myself. It’s not in the way you think, though. I have had a couple of decades of an identity crisis brewing in my mind, and now it’s finally getting resolved.

When I was younger, I used to have meltdowns. It was all because I had Binge Eating Disorder and was denied food. Sometimes, yelling and noises upset me, which would cause me to eat. I would also slam doors and cry excessively. Overall, I was described as highly sensitive by my mom.

Most of the time, I knew that anger was inappropriate and I bottled it up. I didn’t care to cause conflict, and I didn’t really know how to express myself until middle school. At that time, I turned to drawing and poetry. Both were a cry for help, and I don’t think many people saw that. They just said that my works of art were cool and my poetry was relatable. So, I still bottled it up.

By the time I was 15, my living situation caused tension, and I couldn’t deal with it any longer. I released every ounce of hate, sadness, and anxiety onto my skin, and that caused more hate and sadness. Though, it did give me a high for a few days, which was more than likely a manic phase. It distracted me from my emotions. I would always touch the wounds when I saw them or itched. I would obsessively count them and get happy as they stung me with pain. It was sick and twisted, but how could I express myself when no one was listening?

I remember ending an argument between my mom and sibling. They both were yelling at each other, and I started to sob uncontrollably. “This is why I’m depressed,” I screamed. They stopped and realized what they were doing to me. It seemed as though in that moment, they found out that I existed and I was doing so just because I could.

Before I knew it, I was in therapy. My first therapist was someone who disregarded my needs and began texting on her phone during my sessions. I wasn’t getting any better, and I wanted to be normal, so I turned her in. The second therapist was someone I stayed with for a couple years. I remember I was in a dark place, and she called me for the first time. I hoped God would send me an angel — no seriously, her name was Angel — and heal me. The first visit, I asked to be put on medication, and thus, my healing began.

Eventually, Angel was transferred to another office, and she picked out another therapist to take her place. This woman was going to change my life and she didn’t know it. She would help me push my boundaries in my mind, reach my goals, and openly swear and let off steam that I had bottled up inside. She was independent, supportive, gentle yet fierce… To sum her up, her name was Emily.

I worked my ass off in therapy for 1 year. My symptoms got better. I set boundaries in relationships. I found myself becoming more open with my struggles, and I formed healthy relationships and sorted some crap out. I let go of what I wanted and stuck with what I needed. I reached 5 goals within a year, and I was proud of myself, and so was Emily.

As of right now, I do not have a therapist. I don’t have a list of coping skills readily available for me. But I do have the knowledge of what I’ve learned, and I have the wisdom to apply it.

Last night, I realized my diagnosis may change if I get evaluated by another therapist at a different facility. I panicked, and then my mom made me feel not so good. I didn’t know what to do, so I posted a status on Facebook asking someone to chat with me and make me feel safe.

Can you believe it? Instead of isolating myself, I asked for someone to chat with me; instead of bottling it up, I wanted to talk it out. And I want you to take this to heart, my readers: I may have bad days, but I know how to make them better than bad with the help of 7 years of therapy. And yes, I might relapse into depression, but I know that I can stand up again and keep going on my journey.

Hoping this helps.
Xoxo, Khara

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mental illness

Relationships and Mental Illness: Part One (Romance)

Source: Google

Greetings, all! Today, I wanted to reflect on my dating history as someone who suffers from mental illness. I am not ashamed to show you the progress that I have made, and it may help one of the people that have started following me (whoever that may be).

I should start off by saying that I am in between therapists right now, and I need to get into contact with another one to get an intake appointment. That being said, I have went to a professional in the past, and they believe that I have Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. Despite these diagnoses, I do have anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I am medicated right now, but when I dated my first girlfriend, she knew I wasn’t medicated. Honestly, most of my relationships could be considered abusive with the exception of 2. But anyways, let’s focus on this first girl.

For her name, we shall call her Jordyn. Jordyn was the first relationship I had at the age of 19. She was pretty cool, and we were in the same fanbase, which always made for great conversation. We got together December 3rd, and by March, we split up. Even though I met her online, I made plans to move to her state, propose to her, and marry her eventually. Jordyn was also mentally ill, and she would self-harm. She also cheated on me. I just can’t believe at how toxic this was. She dumped me because “I brought her down,” but she never knew how depressed I would be. That really knocked my confidence down.

The second relationship was on and off for a while. I would say about 2 years. It was with my best friend, and we should call him Liam. Liam was a geek, and so was I. He was a man, yes, but he never quite grew up. He knew about my mental illnesses, and he was actually my boyfriend when I started to develop hallucinations from my schizophrenia. He was with me through the bad times and the good. I progressively ended up being on medicine, and I think Liam could tell a difference. However, he didn’t grow up, and I had to be the adult in the situation. He wanted to be submissive all the time, and that made me uncomfortable.

Liam always used to try to cuddle with me, and I felt highly anxious when he did. It never felt right, and I came to realize that we were better off as friends; I found out that I love him as a brother. We broke up a couple of times, and I thought the last time I broke up with him, he would get the hint. He didn’t talk to me for months, and then one day in July, he texted me. I responded because I missed my friend, not because I missed his touch or longed for a romantic night together. He had a hidden agenda, and he wanted me back, but I told him by October that I was over him and that I was moving on. He hasn’t communicated with me since.

From October to November 2017, I ended up attempting to fall in love with myself. That was a rough time for me, and I didn’t like myself. I attempted to date a coworker at this point, but he was uninterested. I remember that he brought a “lady friend” to work one day, and I lost it after my shift. I went home and my first instinct was to do a self-harm ritual. I would go into detail, but I do not wish to trigger anyone.

At this time in my life, I hated everything, except for another man I met online. I messaged him first, and then I realized that he was awesome. Our emotional bond grew over the course of 2-3 weeks, and then we agreed to meet in person. Chris was very sweet when I first met him in person. The moment we saw each other in person, we knew that the other person was going to be significant. It only took me a date to fall in love with him.

We’ve had troubles in the past regarding boundaries, but we do have them figured out. This is where the story ends, and that is because we are now engaged. We are getting married next November.

I should mention that it takes a sensitive soul to understand what those with mental illness go through. Throughout this year, I have been constantly supported and loved by a wonderful man who comprehends that I sometimes hear voices and have mood swings. I never thought I’d find someone like that by the age of 23. But good things come to those who wait.

Anyways, I hope this kind of sheds some light on those who have partners with mental illness and what may happen when they are triggered. This is also a random post and may not make sense because I’m ingesting my coffee as I write.

Have a wonderful day and be good to people for no reason.
Khara

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Hello, World.

Source: Google

 

Who am I?

I am a dreamer.  I am strong.  I am independent.  I am light.  I am the middle ground between the heavens and the earth.  I am laughter than tickles your ears through the gentle breeze in the summertime.  I am flowing with thoughts and actions that benefit my beloved – both friends and family.  I weave wishes  between the stars in hopes that my future children and grandchildren will have a blessed and prosperous life.  In short, I am Khara.

What do I do?

I find that I do a lot of things that are behind the scenes.  I send vibrations to the spirit world, people, and animals alike.  I am someone who, indeed, spreads wisdom and food for thought.  I am a YouTuber, one who loves to discuss the “abnormalities” that society casts a shadow on. I educate people in my life about certain things that they don’t understand.  I am also a student, constantly consuming ideas about the world and its inhabitants on a daily basis.  I aim to be a peacemaker.  I do that through Shamanism.  I love to watch Netflix, crochet, read, write, communicate, listen to people’s story in hopes that them telling it is catharsis….  I basically strive to be the best person I can be.

Why read this blog?

I think that everyone’s story is to be told.  I feel like if I told mine, everyone would learn from it.  I have dealt with depression, psychosis, anxiety, doctrines that didn’t fit right with me…  I have learned quite a lot in my 23 years, and I feel like I’m well beyond my years – an old soul, if you will.  My main goal is to provide a safe space where people can talk about whatever is bothering them.  I want people to find not a blog, but a community that can discuss anything and everything.  I don’t expect many to read this blog, but I want to just say that if you decide to, please say hi, and I’m grateful for you stopping by.

Have a wonderful day, night, or somewhere in between!
Xoxo, Khara